Two paddles

Because experiences of bereavement are, naturally, highly personal, different people will grieve in different ways.

Our family structure, stage of life, personality, beliefs, health, previous experiences...

all shape how we respond to life's difficult events.

But two main tendencies stand out.*

On the one hand, people undergo the stress of the loss itself, the painful changes it creates,

the many emotions that follow. This is loss-oriented coping: focusing on what - or who - is no more.

On the other hand, people experience the stress of acknowledging what is still, again, or newly possible.

This is restoration-oriented coping: creatively adapting to the new situation, finding ways to move forward.

What is useful to understand is the dynamics of this coping process:

to what extent one has been accentuating either the one

or the other, or has been oscillating between the two.

The importance of this question is well illustrated by the image of the rowing boat.

To move forward, you need both paddles. Using only one would make you go in endless circles.**

Expressing your thoughts and emotions, making time to share memories, confronting pain, make up one paddle.

Your second paddle means finding distraction, discovering what helps you adapt, doing what is necessary to continue your life.

Both tendencies will take turns being in the foreground during the process of mourning you are going through.



If you feel stuck in either of them, we can work towards more balanced ways of coping,

which oscillate between confrontation and avoidance of the complementary tasks of grieving.

*This disctinction was first described by Dutch researchers Stroebe & Schut (1999), who named it the Dual Process Model of Coping. It is now widely used.

** In this short video, American cognitive psychotherapist Dr Christine Padesky describes how two challenging questions

helped her client reframe her loss-oriented fixation and develop recovery-oriented perspectives as well.